The First Time I Got A Weird Voicemail From This Particular Lady

I got a phone call several weeks ago. Now I get at least 2 or 3 phone calls a week, so this didn't seem abnormal at first. But when I beheld the display of the LCD screen which promulgates the caller ID function of my cellular telephone, I was in for a shock: I didn't recognize the number. A chill ran down my spine as I tried to imagine why someone I didn't know would be trying to establish contact with me.

After my initial panic, I decided caution was the optimal approach and put the phone down gingerly. I had silenced the emphatic drum beats of my chosen ringtone (entitled "Drum Beats"), but as I stared at the mobile device on my desk I could still hear the drums pounding in my mind, echoing across my cerebellum. Suddenly the phone vibrated and I lurched forth to grab it. I dialed my voicemail, but as I listened, my fears dispersed and were soon replaced with bewilderment. Mild, mild bewilderment.

You can listen for yourself and read along with the best transcript I can muster. The portions in parentheses are those of which I have the least certainty.



"Um... hey, uh my phone just rang, I was thinking maybe it might be you, or maybe it's Terry, I don't know.

I was drinking coffee (thought I'd) hang around see if the phone rings again.

Hope it is Terry... I need my computer SO BAD.

Um... I was gonna get coffee... but... I have to stick around. (Yikes.)

Um, ok, um if you get an opportunity would you give me a call? (Thanks Helen.)

And... church tomorrow. Yay. Um... I know that sounds really bad. And at church tomorrow, I'm very excited. 'Kay?

Listen, take it easy. Bye Helen."

HARD-HITTING VOICEMAIL ANALYSIS AND SPECULATION:

Firstly, my name is not Helen. But it has recently come to my attention that my voicemail offers no identification, only an automated recitation of the applicable digits. Thus, my original characterization of this particular female as inobservant is suspect. Yet I cannot discard the feeling that it is within the realm of possibility that her antenna doesn't quite pick up all the channels, if you get my meaning, and I think you do.

Now the first point of intrigue is the reference to her computer, and the dire need of it which she emphatically asserts. This remark ran counter to my intuition that the subject was of the elders. It has been my experience that while elderly persons are capable of using such digital equipment, they do not encounter the same fixation issues as younger generations. I sometimes see gangly youths wandering the streets and shouting "omg i need mah computr <3 SO BAD :'(" to no one in particular, but have yet to survey this phenomenon in a retirement community.

A related technological discrepancy is that the initiator of this aural correspondence had no apparent way of knowing who had telephoned. Caller ID and answering machines are quite commonplace in this epoch, so if she truly lacks acquaintance with the identity of her inquirer, I must assume she has neither (unless there was an answering machine, but no message). Could it be that "Terry" has these pieces of equipment, just as he seems to have her computer? If not, the absence of modern technology would imply an older personage.

But then there is also the mention of church, which arises in a sarcastic manner. And as everyone knows, sarcasm is far more common in juveniles than the well-aged, due to hyperactivity of the pituitary gland. You may draw your own conclusions.

Another noteworthy paradox is instigated by the dual references to coffee. In the first, the subject explains that she had been drinking some, in tandem with the task of waiting for a return phone call. However, she soon changes her story. Now she claims she was gonna get some coffee, but appears to be inhibited by the need to stick around... but isn't this just the same obligation as before, reframed without mention of her previous desire to "see if the phone rings again"? Why have coffee and loitering suddenly found conflict with one another? Could this conflict be so alarming that it compelled the "Yikes" at the end of her statement?

I have far more questions than answers right now. But it has been helpful to get my thoughts out on the screen, and hopefully it will aid my continued efforts to process and digest this affair. Oh also there's another voicemail but I'll get back to you on that one.