The First Time I Bought a Turnip

Just under two weeks ago, I discovered a bag of potatoes on clearance at Fresh & Easy Neighborhood Market™ for about 50 cents. This set in motion an unalterable series of events that led to an incredibly inconsequential moment that will forever be immortalized on this blog until somebody accidentally erases the internet: I bought a turnip for the first time in my life.

You see, once I saw that fateful bag of potatoes, I knew that it was time to make Hungarian Goulash Soup with the recipe that my mom had sent me. Having enjoyed it on multiple occasions over Thanksgiving and Christmas, I thought perhaps I would attempt to add it to my ever expanding culinary arsenal of basically just chili and pancakes. However, the recipe required many peculiar items that I never have around, such as vegetables. So when those potatoes showed up on that clearance shelf, I knew the time for action had come.

I was able to collect most of the other required items at the local Fresh & Easy Neighborhood Market™, but they offered no turnips. Apparently they don't just turnip anywhere. I was left with no choice but to patronize the foreign territory of a nearby Super-Market. And if setting foot on that alien soil wasn't strange enough, I wasn't entirely sure what a turnip looked like. The primary image in my mind had come from Super Mario 2.

Was I searching for a heart-shaped vegetable? Would it appear to have a nasty sunburn? Upon picking one up, could I expect to gaze upon a rooty countenance of indifference? Would it be necessary to chuck it at my nearest enemy?

My first brief reconnaissance of the produce section yielded no results. But my next expedition was a more rigorous affair, and I soon spotted a cluster of bulbous, purplish-whitish vegetables that were in close proximity to a label which described them as Turnips. Success! Behold:

When the time came, I took a peeler to my prize and chopped it just as I had the potatoes, which had provided the portent of my odyssey. And do you know? I honestly can't even tell the difference between the two in the final product. Next time I'll have to cut them into different shapes or something. Like red balloons and green clovers, for example.

And finally, this pointless milestone led to another: the first time I had to use up a leftover turnip. I had only used half of it before I had exceeded the required amount for the recipe. I considered cooking it in some other fashion, but couldn't find a reasonable solution within the limits of my patience. I thought perhaps I might still chuck it at my nearest enemy, but couldn't decide between the Northern Bad Neighbors Who Sometimes Play Music Too Loud and the Eastern Bad Neighbors Who Sometimes Play Music Too Loud. So I just ate it raw. It was okay I guess.